OH WHAT A RIDE

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I think I’ve had a pretty colourful life, some self-inflicted and some not so much. Like the time I sat and chatted to a cab driver for an hour thinking he was super interested in what I was saying, only to discover my boob was out the entire time….or the time I got dumped, drank 10 tequila shots in 10 minutes and spewed in my best friend’s lap. There was also the time I crashed my Daihatsu Charade into a Police car and wrote it off …or the time I flashed my boobs to my family and about 100 other people I didn’t know at my cousins wedding because it was my birthday, and it was Fiji and you know, cocktails…..so yea pretty much entirely self-inflicted and mostly boob related, which is funny cos I look like a 12 year old boy in that department. My uncle told me that night I’d never make a topless waitress. Way to shatter a girls hopes and dreams man.

When I was a kid and my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’m sure I didn’t answer with “ Oh, I’m going to be a self-obsesses yo-yo dieter, spending all my money on really unflattering clothes and then spend more on spray tans to try make them look better, date some absolute wankers, show my boobs to 200 people, regret most of my 20s but pretend I don’t because someone tagged me in a Facebook Meme saying I shouldn’t, travel the world drinking beer so I don’t remember any of it, eventually find the man of my dreams who I probably don’t deserve, get married, have two kids, piss my pants a few times and then end up bald, fat and cancerous” … I think I said a Marine Biologist.

When I reached high school I was an average student and did an average amount of most things, but having fun and finding freakn’ super amazballs peeps to be my lifelong friends, well I definitely exceled at that!. After school ended, I went on and did all the “normal” stuff you do at 18 and a whole heap of things that I probs shouldn’t have….20 years later I have selectively forgotten most of it but secretly know it was worth it. Thank god we only used disposable cameras in those days and most of my mates were too lazy to get stuff developed.

My poor parents had a lot to deal with when it came to me and my passion for life. I wasn’t the subtlest of daughters and I was a bit of a risk taker which I ruled with my heart. I was and still am pretty strong willed, so when I say I’m going to do something I usually do and when I was younger that resulted in random tattoo’s ( back in the 90’s when you got Inked it wasn’t a story of your life in pictures and koi fish down your limbs, it was a randomly placed spare of the moment symbol that was supposed to have some life meaning but really said Cabbage or Lazy Suzan or something crap) , body piercings, drunken late night, even drunker later mornings and not a lot to show for my time on earth by my late 20s …except for a lot of weird things I stole while I was drunk. Once I woke up next to a huge terracotta planter box complete with perfectly pruned sphere-shaped trees and draping ivy, an old book with a bolt through it and 7 letterboxes. As I got a bit older I put a lot of that determination and will power into training at the gym, running and cycling and I did my first half marathon at 26. Running and training has gotten me through a lot of the dark times in my life and not to mention post cancer PTSD.

Along the way I also got myself a job in Recruitment which somehow has become a successful career for me. The best part about this career choice is pretty much everywhere I have worked I’ve made lifelong friends and I have unknowingly ended up as “ That’s what she said “ girl . I’ve put this down to my small collection of jokes and random stories being reused and resurrected into comic gold pandemonium every time I start a new job. Yep, so I’m that person that has the ability to make most things dirty, laugh at pretty much everything, at a lot of things that I shouldn’t and generally at times when I shouldn’t…So basically I’m Humans Recourses worst nightmare. Most of my best mates have been by my side my entire life but I have made a lot of new ones in the last year. During cancer treatment I have had the honour of meeting some very inspirational ones.

After I was properly diagnosed I realised I needed to let people know what was going on and when I finally did it was like I was on that show with the big red book “This Is Your Life”. I was humbled by the overwhelming amount people that came from the edges of the earth to support me both from my past and current life. They were all willing to do anything for me and my fam bam and still are. Unfortunately, and as unbelievable as this sounds, I have also had to make some people redundant since I was diagnosed. That’s the thing about cancer, it shines a big Blue-Light on the hidden stains of your life and true colours of people glow so brightly you can see them from the moon.….Anyways, big bags of dicks were eaten, no shits were given – thinning hair flick and mic drop.

Once I hit my 30s and after a few extra years of dating Australia’s biggest losers, I got the shits and serious about finding a husband to share my life with ….TADAAAAA along came Anthony. 5 years on we are very happily married with two children under 4, have aged 20 years, gone grey, lost our banging figures and most bodily functions, fought cancer and I have a hairy chin that needs constant plucking … I tend to whisper “FFS” under my breath a lot but I wouldn’t change a thing.
What a fun ride its been….THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

 

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