My Beautiful Girl,
I am so sorry…. The truth is, the guilt eats me up some days. You see my angel, the first year and 9 months of your life isn’t what daddy and I had planned, your first of everything on this earth….and I am so sorry I couldn’t be there for you.
I remember the day we had our ultrasound and we found out you were our little girl. I cried because I was so happy. At the time I didn’t know I had cancer growing inside me too. I hope you don’t think I knew and didn’t try and help you. I know you were really scared and you felt really sick too, but I’m so proud of you for holding on and fighting it even though we didn’t know what you were going through. I wish I could have protected you more and my heart hurts to think I didn’t see the signs you were struggling.
When I found out I had cancer you were only 8 weeks old. I’m so sorry I let you down, I’m so sorry I didn’t find out sooner… maybe there was something I did or something I did wrong. I know you were waiting for the doctor to tell me and you slept so soundly knowing we needed you to be safe in our arms in that moment. Daddy held you so tight and I could see he needed your cuddles as our hearts shattered. You were such a good girl and slept most of the night and all the way to the hospital in Brisbane. When you saw daddy and I crying on the bed you just closed your eyes and let us be. I know you knew how scared I was, you opened your eyes a few times but you just looked into mine and you gave me so much strength and light. You were my reason to beat this and I want you to know I fought so hard for you and tried so hard to be strong. Indiana Rose, I am so sorry I missed the first year of your life, I wanted to get up during the night with you, I wanted to kiss you when you were sad or scared and I wanted to do all the things I was supposed to as your mummy, but I couldn’t. The thing that I will never get over is the fact I had to stop breastfeeding you. It was the only thing I had left, it was my connection to you, my safety, my job to protect you and I wanted you to need me in some way but it wasn’t to be. Please know It wasn’t my choice bubba. I cried so hard listening to you scream for me. I know you didn’t understand and I hope you didn’t think I abandoned you again. I’m not sure my heart will ever recover.
I’m sorry I was so weak and tired, and I could hardly hold you some days. I felt so sick and I was fighting so hard to stay here for you that I had to miss a lot of your life. I couldn’t even care for you properly and I hate the cancer for taking that away from me. I’ll never forget your face when you went home with daddy and I cried a lot after you left because I just wanted to come with you. I missed you so much, I used to lie and watch you sleeping all night when they let you in the hospital with me. I didn’t want to take my eyes off you or miss a second of you breathing. I was scared I didn’t have long with you Indie and I was scared I was going to leave you. I thought you weren’t going to remember me and I’m sorry you saw me cry. I wanted to be brave but to be truthful I was far from that.
I hope you know how much I love you, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you everything you deserved, I’m sorry for the kisses you missed out on, the cuddles, the love, your mummy. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have the same first year like you were supposed to, we had so much planned. I hope you know I did it for you. … I love you Indiana Rose, please never forget that.