People often think that us Baldies are the ones who need all the support, love and free shit through treatment and out the other end .. (if there ever really is one). but in actual fact there are more important peeps ,the silent sufferers and the bullet brigade of the front line – The plus 1’s. I truly believe that my husband was far worse off than me. I always say that I couldn’t have watched my husband go through cancer and if one of us had to get it I’m glad it was me….man flu or hanging the washing out would have probably taken hold of him by then anyways!
For me, once I eventually had a proper diagnosis, I had a proper plan and a woman with a plan is pretty much like an Irishman at last drinks! Don’t. Get. In .Our. Fucking .Way.! For my husband, it was life shattering and he just didn’t know how to cope ( also Irishman at last drinks ). He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t know how to express his feelings to me. See for me, I was ready for a fight, I was going to let nothing stand in my way of seeing my babies grow up and I would protect them from seeing me die with every ounce of my being. Anthony just had to sit back and watch. He was really fucking scared I was going to die, he was scared I wasn’t going to get through it and he wanted to fight it for me but couldn’t , he wanted to protect me but couldn’t. He actually missed a lot of the crucial times when I needed him the most like diagnosis, when I needed a coffee and when things happened during my treatment because he had to be with the kids and they needed him more than me. The worst part is he had to suffer in silence because how do you tell someone you love you are scared they are going to die? Someone that already thinks that about themselves? How do you say that to someone who needs to stay positive and you need to stay positive for? It was a lot easier for me to offload and I was in tears daily blubbering though rambling hyperventilation’s about dying, the cancer winning and thinking I weighed less than I did ( stupid accurate hospital scales ) but even then Anthony couldn’t exactly say “me too”? I would have punched him in the dick. So he kept quiet and day after day just let everyone support me when he really needed it more. I could see he was broken, his heart in 1 million pieces and I held a lot of guilt for that. Cancer creates a hell of a lot of guilt but that’s another conversations in itself , along with “I have cancer so why am I still fat.”
What I came to realise over the course of our trip through hell, is that although we were married, Anthony and I were just two human beings who ended up together because we were really old and out of options….oh I mean we fell in love. He never signed up for some balding ,granny pants wearing ,cancer riddled wife. No one is born to deal with this kind of stuff , no one can prepare you for it and all of a sudden he is caring for someone who is on the verge of death. What type of human gives up everything, including their life, to look after someone who is at the most venerable and exposed state of theirs?? ..He does!! He did, and so many other people do but we often don’t see them because they are hidden in the shadows with their undies on the outside of their pants.
Thank you Anthony you are my hero, the best human I know and I owe you my life…literally! Now go get me a coffee!