People often think that us Baldies are the ones who need all the support, love and free shit through treatment and out the other end .. (if there ever really is one). but in actual fact there are more important peeps ,the silent sufferers and the bullet brigade of the front line – The plus 1’s. I truly believe that my husband was far worse off than me. I always say that I couldn’t have watched my husband go through cancer and if one of us had to get it I’m glad it was me….man flu or hanging the washing out would have probably taken hold of him by then anyways!
For me, once I eventually had a proper diagnosis, I had a proper plan and a woman with a plan is pretty much like an Irishman at last drinks! Don’t. Get. In .Our. Fucking .Way.! For my husband, it was life shattering and he just didn’t know how to cope ( also Irishman at last drinks ). He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t know how to express his feelings to me. See for me, I was ready for a fight, I was going to let nothing stand in my way of seeing my babies grow up and I would protect them from seeing me die with every ounce of my being. Anthony just had to sit back and watch. He was really fucking scared I was going to die, he was scared I wasn’t going to get through it and he wanted to fight it for me but couldn’t , he wanted to protect me but couldn’t. He actually missed a lot of the crucial times when I needed him the most like diagnosis, when I needed a coffee and when things happened during my treatment because he had to be with the kids and they needed him more than me. The worst part is he had to suffer in silence because how do you tell someone you love you are scared they are going to die? Someone that already thinks that about themselves? How do you say that to someone who needs to stay positive and you need to stay positive for? It was a lot easier for me to offload and I was in tears daily blubbering though rambling hyperventilation’s about dying, the cancer winning and thinking I weighed less than I did ( stupid accurate hospital scales ) but even then Anthony couldn’t exactly say “me too”? I would have punched him in the dick. So he kept quiet and day after day just let everyone support me when he really needed it more. I could see he was broken, his heart in 1 million pieces and I held a lot of guilt for that. Cancer creates a hell of a lot of guilt but that’s another conversations in itself , along with “I have cancer so why am I still fat.”
What I came to realise over the course of our trip through hell, is that although we were married, Anthony and I were just two human beings who ended up together because we were really old and out of options….oh I mean we fell in love. He never signed up for some balding ,granny pants wearing ,cancer riddled wife. No one is born to deal with this kind of stuff , no one can prepare you for it and all of a sudden he is caring for someone who is on the verge of death. What type of human gives up everything, including their life, to look after someone who is at the most venerable and exposed state of theirs?? ..He does!! He did, and so many other people do but we often don’t see them because they are hidden in the shadows with their undies on the outside of their pants.
Thank you Anthony you are my hero, the best human I know and I owe you my life…literally! Now go get me a coffee!
Kids, Cancer & Other Fun Stuff 
stay strong, keep writing, win this fight and bathe in the love of your hubby and kids. awesome blog – sad you have this as your topic. it’s not your identity, just your cross to bear at this time. Your babies need you, bright thoughts and good vibes/prayers/whatever counts your way.
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Quote of the day ” having two kids is so shit sometimes” I love how real you are. Spoken from a woman who is not afraid to say it like it is. From my perspective , having 3 kids is so shit sometimes. Like you said, us Mom’s need to stick together. And take time for ourselves. Amen Sister 🙂 I couldn’t be more pleased to hear about the remission, I bet like you said though, remission is harder than the diagnosis.
Keep writing girl, cause I’m reading and you are making my days bright by listening to your incredibly witty stories. You break my heart only to leave me hopeful and inspired with each story.
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Amy, Your story touched my heart and I will be following your journey through your blog. I too am a Mom of young kids and I cant help but feel the emotional gravity on some level you must be feeling. I know it doesn’t even touch the surface of the stress of what you and your family must be feeling. You have such a good frame of mind though, if anyone can fight this fight, it would seem that you can. My payers, my thoughts will be soooooo with you as you continue your fight.
Lots of love from a Mom in Canada
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Hi Michelle!! thank you so much for reaching out!! You know its been incredibly tough but at the same time it happens so quickly that you just do what you need to do. Its almost like its someone else’s life that I’m writing about and I still feel like it didn’t really happen to me. I finished chemo in June and am currently in remission. I actullay truly believe I am still here for a reason and I have a real pull to write and tell my story and help others going through cancer. The other reason I’m writing about it is I have learned a meassive life lesson. I see the world through different eyes and I want everyone else to have that too but without the fear and illness that goes with it. I feel like I have been given a gift. Apart from that , man how hard is it being a mum hahahaha having two kids is so shit sometimes. I often wonder what happened to my old self hahahah I hope youa re looking after you! having some you time and getting to drink a hot coffee at some point. us mums need to stick together and no matter how you feel sometimes remindd yourself you are doing an awesome job. thank you for following my story, there is a lot to come. Remission is harder than diagnosis. so so hard. Have a beautiful day Michelle, hug your babies and hide in the closet eating chocolate. its all we have 🙂 xxx
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Hi Amy,
They say attitude can really make differance when fighting cancer and if that is that is the case then you should be in good shape.
What an amazing attitude and sence of humor you have, what an inspiration you are and must be to so many others.
I know of someone else fighting impossible odds with a positive attitude, experinental drugs and luck who is way past what has been considerd possible. Statistics are all based on the past not the future.
So i wish you and your family the very best for the future.
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Thank you so so much Steve!! for your amazing words and for reaching out. To be honest I have been writing my blog for 2 weeks so all this is very overwhelming! I went from 100 views ( mostly me editing what I had done haha ) to nearly 20’000 in 2 days! like WHHHAAAT?? anyways I feel like I have a really important lesson to share with people not only going through cancer but just life in general. It can be cruel but there is beauty and Humor in everything if you look hard enough. its the only thing I had control over! Thank you for following my story, lots more to come! Please share with anyone you think might get something from it. I really really appreciate the support. thanks so much you legend and please give your friend fighting cancer a hug hug from me and tell them we got this shit!!! none tells me when to die ! 🙂
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Hi Amy… i’ve just come across your blog… and it couldn’t have happened at a better time… was thinking about my mom who passed away from cancer and about our last conversations until that dose of a drug that ” makes you comfortable ” took over and I could only hold her hand… but that didn’t mean I didn’t have enough to say for both of us… so I talked and I hoped she listened… ( I also kept a journal ) sadly she didn’t have time to fight the fight like you are doing … to take this head-on and of how you are describing your experiences…Words have strength and power… I hope you will allow me to follow in your journey… and I know you are kicking the sh*t out of this cancer… so keep talking Amy !!
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Oh Petra. you poor thing. life is so cruel. Take your life and live it for your mum too. Live every moment knowing she is with you and supporting you. Do the things you have always wanted. write a bucket list. live your dreams. She would have heard every word you were saying and I’m so happy you got to say the things you needed to her. Its never too late beautiful lady and I am honored to think my story has helped you in some way. Please keep reading and share with anyone you think will get something from it. Just remember to give yourself everything you have ever wanted. life is beautiful xxxx
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My dad has the same cancer as you 😫is there a way to subscribe to your blog Amy? It’s edcellent reading.
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Hi lovely. First off my thoughts are with you and your family ! It’s so unbelievably tough watching someone you love go through this. As for reading my blog and your amazing comments thank you !!!! There is a link on the page to follow it and then you get emails when I update …. let me know if you cant find it xx
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