I’m looking forward to Christmas this year because I won’t feel like a bag full of crap, well I will but it will be on purpose and on MY terms damn it! Last Christmas I had my own self pity party on the couch the entire day while the rest of the world moved around me. I had chemo the day before and I felt like Mum had mistaken me for the turkey and stuffed my ass with a lemon and bread crumbs. As I laid there, I was feeling a bit nostalgic in my own world listening to my family laughing, telling jokes and for the first time since I had been diagnosed I felt like the day wasn’t revolved around my cancer. I ran my hands through my hair ( probably trying to look sexy for my husband while I lay there in my own chemical induced sweat and granny pants ) but as I did my hair came out in my hands. I knew this day was coming and it had played on my mind a lot. I really thought I was emotionally fully prepared but it still shocked me and I still am not entirely convinced it was from the Chemo but probs from the amount of Peroxide I’ve used over the years.

You would think coming so close to death that something as superficial as having a bald head wouldn’t bother you, however let’s face it, just because I had cancer didn’t mean I wasn’t shallow. I laid there and cried some tears of realisation but also relief because to be honest you just want the fucked up process to start so you can get free shit at the shops. I tried not to let anyone see as I  didn’t want to make a big deal of it on Christmas but even when you are 36 your mum still has ninja stealth vision and can spot shit a mile away. She came over and knelt beside me, I just looked at her and showed her my hand full of hair. She hugged me and we cried and then I explained it wasn’t from my legs and we cried some more.  That’s the other thing, you lose your hair EVERYWHERE and I think my husband nearly signed us up for a deforestation licence because let’s not forget I was pregnant before this! Razor WHHHAAAT?

After the initial stages of hair loss and once the dog started getting blamed for the tufts rolling down the hallway, I decided it was time to take control. I did a 2 step baldness program and did a bob first but after a few weeks my kids were looking like Chia Pets and I shaved it all off. It was such a tragically beautiful Kodak moment where my husband and I embrace each other and in slow motion we looked into each others eyes and read a meaningful quote from the Notebook ………NOT!!! I was on a chair in the bathroom, Anthony had started shaving half of my head with the electric clippers but they weren’t charged properly (or sharp enough) so it was more pulling my hair than cutting it, Indiana was screaming her head off because babies are assholes, I was swearing at my husband because she gets it from me and Kai is pooing on the toilet next to me singing Paw Patrol – He gets that from Anthony. In the end I did it myself. Quick! someone take a selfie!