(Well to be really honest, I farted. Yep probably not the most complex of responses but hey, it happened).
Pure.Unimaginable.Fear: its a funny thing, its instant and life altering but it always takes you by surprise. Not as in the timing of it, because that is all part of its beauty but more so the reaction you have. Its so different to what you would expect, you think you know yourself so well but in those venerable, twisted moments your response is just so raw.
After the air escaped me involuntarily I asked the question that none ever wants the answer to …..Am I going to die? There was not an ounce of emotion in my voice. To be honest, I would have preferred Dr Wiki did a sympathetic fart instead of the words he said “I can’t answer that”. Fucking seriously? don’t try sugar coat it or anything mate. Okay so “ How long do I have ? Are we talking months? “ …again he says “ Im sorry, I can’t answer that”. Fuck me this guys really is not giving me anything. At this point I have lost my hearing, there is this ringing in my ears, I feel numb, I can feel every fiber of everything I’m touching and I need to poo. The whole room looks different, I feel really strange and then I look over and the nurse is crying. She snaps at the doctor to give me something, anything because in all honesty she is as shocked as we are. She is probably wondering why he hasn’t asked Siri for some answers. I then look over at Anthony, which I have been avoiding at all costs, and see the colour has run out of his face, he is pacing the room and he’s still holding Indie who has been sleeping through the whole thing. No one is saying anything so the Doc takes his opportunity to retreat from the paper curtain room of hell and sends my results to someone who can get me the fuck out of his hospital before I can depress any more of his staff.
After 100 toilet trips I feel cold all over and I still haven’t shed a tear. I’m literally in an internal panic. I just want him to come back into the room and tell me I’m going to be okay, that he got it all wrong and I just have a lot bigger boobs than I thought. Hell, I’d take a Punking from Ashton Kutcher at this late stage. We wait, and wait..and wait and nothing happens for what feels like an eternity, every nurse that enters the room I look to their face for an ounce of clarity, but nothing. I make some horrible heart breaking phone calls in those few hours, to my sister, my family, to Anthony’s family and to my best friend Gemma. To this day telling my parents was the worst thing I have ever had to do.
The ward is silent and all I want is to hug my little boy, he is probably sleeping back at the unit and the last time I saw him he was kissing my chest trying to make it better because I was in so much pain. I’m so lost and at this stage I’m convinced I’m going to die because no one has told me any different. Its now midnight and its still raining outside. Dr Wiki comes and finds me, he has discovered more interesting shit on google and has sent my file to an Oncologist in Brisbane. “Amy you need to go, because you need to start chemo tomorrow, you need to drive to Brisbane right now, they are expecting you “ ….CHEMO! WHO THE FUCK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT CHEMO??…..and it all came crashing down as I feel the warmth of my husband’s hand on my shoulder, he passes me my baby girl and I realise shit is about to get real..