ALCOHOL SAVED MY LIFE!

beer

Fuck I love Beer! Well not only for its tasty taste, bubbly bubbles and amazing dance moves created by its after effects but because it saved my life. Yep! the golden ale, brusky beverage of the world gave me a second chance and it all began one summers day.

December 3rd 2016, it was freakn’ hot and I was away on holidays with my family. My husband Anthony had turned 40 the month before and as a gift my parents had given us a baby sitting encrusted holiday at the Sunshine Coast ( they were the encrusted ) we all headed there the night before. My little girl was 8 weeks old and our little boy was 2, so after 6 hours of packing the car for a two day trip, numerous arguments with the pint sized Terror we call our son Kai and 3 exploded nappies from the princess pud Indiana, we were on our way. We spent the next morning at the beach swimming and chatting about what we were going to do for the next couple of days. It was hot, there were teenagers everywhere with music and drinks and it was pretty relaxing. At lunchtime I successfully looked like a lobster through my spray tan so we headed up to the apartment to put the kids down. We decided to crack open a few bev’s because , well , life… I was breast feeding at the time so I hadn’t had a drink since before I was pregnant and I was looking forward to a bit of normality. Anthony made me a Shandy ( I feel your judgment ) and I took a few sips. After about 2 min I was in excruciating pain in my chest, my arms and my back and it felt like a sledge hammer had hit me in the boobs. I could hardly breath and I was walking around the apartment looking for Panadol. Everyone kind of ignored me at the start because I’m well known for my hypercondria but after screaming for a while my husband noticed that I really wasn’t okay and started to give half a shit.  As he was trying to ask all the questions you cant answer when you are in that much pain, he noticed I had a lump protruding out my chest. At this stage the Panadol had started to kick in and we decided as mum and dad were there I would just go to the doctor to have a check up. It was probably a muscular thing as I had been having physio for the last few weeks. After serveral phone calls none could fit us in and the At Home Doctors don’t come out for chest pain. so FML I’m now off to the bloody hospital, this should be embarrassing! The red AF chick with the leaking boobs cant handle her Shandy’s. We pack Indies stuff up and Mum and Dad look after Kai, we say we will be back in a few hours and off we go to Emergency.

When we arrive I go to the Triage and try to explain what happened. They seem a bit evasive at the start and I’m feeling a bit stupid because by this stage I am feeling perfectly fine. I then I show them my chest lump like a freak, they all come over for a look and I feel like im in the Smurf village with all the OOOOHHHHs and AAAHHHHHs. We all discuss how weird I am and then after an ECG there is no answers. An hour later I’m in with one of the doctors, he’s asking me 100 questions and I’m still joking and laughing with the nurses because none of it is relevant , I mean, I have a degree in life so what would a doctor know.? He gives me a poke, stretch and then some reflux medication to see if that helps. None has a clue what’s wrong and at this point I ask to go home and see my GP the following week ( prob’s wont ). The doc isn’t convinced its all as it seems and decides to Google because if an educated Doctor doesn’t have the answers, Wikipedia sure as hell will!! 2 hours later he comes back and says that The Wik’s has come good on its promise and in the UK there are two cases where alcohol reaction was caused by Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Hog whaaat?? While I’m trying to figure out why I have never heard of that band, he’s writing up a CT scan request. Even the nurse thinks he’s a bit off the mark but hey, I have 1 in 4 Million chance that this is it, so lets do this shit for a bit of fun. the sooner we do this the sooner I’m home!

Its now night time and there is a storm outside, the wind is howling and Indie has had her feed, 7th poo that hour and is sleeping in Anthony’s arms. Its now 9pm and I’m freakn’ starving. I hope he hurries up, I want to go home and finish my Shandy and have dinner with my family! Finally Doctor Wiki comes back and I’m excited to get going back to our holiday! …He enters the room… with a chair…( because that always ends well ) and less eye contact than Stevie Wonder. He closes the paper thin curtain so the people 2 meters away in the next bed cant hear anything ** eye roll ** … We have found what we didn’t want to find…You have Cancer, and its not good ….FUCK!!! … And the World goes silent